There is no question that the Godhead we inherited from Christian tradition is way overdue for an overhaul. The old group just doesn’t play well in our tech-savvy, glamor-drenched culture anymore. So instead of trying to put new clothes on a doddering emperor, I thought it was time to make nominations for an updated deity, one we believers don’t have to apologize for. So here are my votes for a new and improved Trinity:
To replace our archaic Father Who Art in Heaven, I select Jon Stewart. He comes across as smarter than the incumbent and doesn’t need a beard to photograph well. But where Stewart has it hands-down over the Ancient of Days is his sense of humor. Steward employs passionate insincerity, sarcasm, and flippant remarks to make his points and crush his enemies. Yahweh is just too heavy-handed and pedantic to score many points today. Steward would fill his slot with impressive style and would keep the Godhead’s ratings up. The Daily Show would be the new Our Daily Bread.
To take over the role of the Logos, I nominate Bono. Jesus still gets kudos for a job well done (nobody could do the cross thing better—Jesus nailed it), but his vibe’s gotten too sentimental for modern tastes. Bono has some of the the same agenda as Jesus does but is much hipper going about it. Bono knows the value of a rock band and four-letter words. And unlike Jesus, Bono knows how to hob-knob with political big shots and get great press. (The Queen recently appointed Bono to be an honorary Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire.) Granted, Jesus does dominate the book market, but let’s face it, nobody reads anymore. The future is definitely iPod. The new Gospel? U2 can be saved.
Without a doubt the conservative love-goddess Ann Coulter is the choice to replace the Holy Spirit. She’s sexier by far, which should be good enough for nearly everybody. (And talk about a tongue of fire!) Even women believers should have no trouble submitting to her leading. Beyond that, Coulter’s positions on issues, though often crass, are refreshingly categorical and clear—more than we can say for our invisible and notoriously elusive Counselor. Besides, it’d be great to have a Helper who was really nice to look at for a change. Being invisible is so yesterday.
So there you have it, my nominations for a new Godhead. I think they’d work much better than the current crop. We’d finally have a Deity we wouldn’t have to be ashamed of and whose bloody history and global mismanagement we wouldn’t have to try to explain. Not only that, with Coulter on the team, I know my prayer life would improve almost immediately. I surrender all, baby.