In these troubled economic times, it’s good to know that our dearest founding father is still the wisest. I offer up to you Mr. Franklin’s notorious essay written in 1781 while he was living abroad as United States Ambassador to France. Presidential candidates and US congressmen please take note.
It is universally well known, That in digesting our common Food, there is created or produced in the Bowels of human Creatures, a great Quantity of Wind.
That the permitting of this Air to escape and mix with the Atmosphere is usually offensive to the Company, from the fetid Smell that accompanies it.
That all well-bred People therefore, to avoid giving such Offense, forcibly restrain the Efforts of Nature to discharge that Wind.
That so retained contrary to Nature, it not only gives frequently great present Pain, but occasions future Diseases, such as habitual Cholics, Ruptures, Tympanies, &c., often destructive of the Constitution, & sometimes of Life itself.
Were it not for the odiously offensive Smell accompanying such Escapes, polite People would probably be under no more Restraint in discharging such Wind in Company, than they are in spitting, or in blowing their Noses.
You are welcome to your modern philosophy, although I would detest having to live by it. But you must realize that such a philosophy can only be implemented at the expense of freedom and liberty. In the land of the free and home of the brave, the citizens govern themselves as much as possible. When they are no longer willing t do so, they trade in freedom and liberty for security and comfort. This is the fundamental difference between the American of 200 years ago and America of today. And this is why I say you no longer have the freedom even to fart.
In my day, we were not afraid to fart—or talk about it. We were not afraid to take risks, either. We did not envision a country where everyone was protected from every possible harm; quite the opposite, we envisioned a country where everyone had every possible chance to succeed. Somewhere along the way, I guess, we have lost the courage to fart.
My brethren and countrymen, if you cherish freedom and liberty, you are going to have to learn how to fart. You are going to have to get the point where the comforts and securities of life are not longer sufficient exchange for you loss of freedom. Stop running to the government to protect you from every possible calamity. Take on the responsibilities of human living from yourself, and tell the government to get out of your life!
And when you are criticized, as you will be, remind your critics that you have the right to speak your mind. And if they shout you down, as they probably will, then inform them that since they insist on being asses, you will henceforth communicate with them with the appropriate part of your own anatomy. And turning to face them from the posterior, let them know where you stand. Let every fart sound as a peal of thunder for liberty. Let every fart remind the nation of how much it has let pass out of its control.
It is a small gesture, but one that can be very effective—especially in a large crowd. So fart, and if you must, fart often. But always fart without apology.
Fart for freedom, fart for liberty—and fart proudly.